My sheets look like a crime scene.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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