you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
A bitchslap is in order.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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