i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
