Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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