What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
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