sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
This is the prime rib incident all over again
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
