Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
it hurts more in the daytime
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize