When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Randomize
