you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
