if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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