she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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