I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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