I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
