Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
My first STD was from a foam party
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
now i know why i became what i already was.
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Randomize
