Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
everyone is single if you try hard enough
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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