Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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