Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
