Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
