Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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