You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
