I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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