i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
