I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I got her a Nickelback box set.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
