he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
