you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
