I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
