I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
