Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
