I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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