We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
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