I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
