All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
