i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
