I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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