I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Randomize