I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
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