Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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