i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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