Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
So here I am, sexting at work.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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