john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
