can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
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