I wish my penis had an off switch
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
