I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
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