i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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