I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
