Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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