every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
