if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Randomize
