Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
