She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
