So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
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