Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
