I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
