he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
