Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize