Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
