he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
