watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You made out with two different species that night
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
