OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
